I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Sorry my hands just texted you
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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