why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
