Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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