so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
As shirtless as possible
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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