I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Randomize
