Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
