she was so not down for the gang bang
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
