So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
