oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
