I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
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