why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I'm passing your future prison.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
