haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Buhtt sex?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
