I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
