I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
she smelled like a LAN party
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
