Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
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