What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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