Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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