fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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