hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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