I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
you are never too drunk for berry picking
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I AM VODKA MAN
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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