I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
How external is "for external use only"?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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