you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
apparently the secret to your success is patron
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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