I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
