Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
