the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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