We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
