Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
