i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
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