I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Randomize
