This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
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Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
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he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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