I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
