i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
