Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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