Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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