conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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