I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
