what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
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Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
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It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.