I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Randomize
