Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
