Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
