i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
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