No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize
