I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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