im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.