put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
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i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.