New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
