Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize