it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
