mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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