i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
