Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Randomize
