More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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