Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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