i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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