well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
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