if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
