guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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