I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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