I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
you will always have a special place in my vag
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
