Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
